I order my first Kate Spade bag medium rare, with a side entre of Popeyes chicken covered in a mole sauce, with a French Baguette! Ohh and a Scotch on the rocks Chris! I no longer feel suicidal. I deserve this life! I am hungry!
This morning I woke up suicidal(I really need to help people understand what this means at some point…..)
(Suicide doesn’t mean action, it is more a process, and today was just the first step of this process. Suicide became an option today, let’s call this stage “The Research stage“.)
(Now by saying that, you may think ‘he is researching how he plan’s on doing it?’ You would be wrong! That is much farther down the assembly line, that is even past putting the doors on incorrectly.)
(No “The Research Stage” just means it was added as an option. “Do we move to a smaller house in Canada? or Do we stay close to the kids? or Suicide?!” It is just an option that gets added to life’s choices, and you start researching. Does it make sense to keep going? How long will I have to run before getting ahead of this? How much more pain must I uncover, and go through before I arrive? Before I even catch up? To where I was before this all started? Who am I supposed to be? or meant to be? For this started before I was born. Why was I born? What is normal?!)
(What is normal!? Who defines normal? How do you measure for normal? What are the variables? How far from normal makes you crazy? Who judges normal? Who judges crazy? Is normal itself a variable? Or is it static? Is it something society regulates? or is it something more personal?..)
(What is normal? is the question that came today, suicide becomes an option today. I wonder what the school’s and winters are like there. I hope they have good shopping districts, and a diversity of food options.)
This morning I woke up suicidal over the question of what is “normal”? Since understanding my father is/was(has always been?!) crazy. I have found things once considered, thought and verbally supported, that they were “Normal”, now no longer are, or never were “normal”.
I now understand that what I considered “Normal”, was not “normal”. My childhood, was not “normal”. My Father, not “normal”, and so…much…more. More to learn what was, and is “Normal”, three months ago, is not what is and will be “normal” today.
This is not a bad place to be, actually it is a pretty amazing position to be in really! How many people reading this right now can say the following, truly?!
“I get to have an entirely different “normal”, I can do anything, I can be anything, I can be anywhere! What I thought of as “Normal” was not “normal” I get to choose a different road, transportation means, and destination!
This is exciting I get to do anything! How freeing this is, now I just got to choose a direction! Is it worth it though? Did I live a “Normal” life for 40 years just to be let down by a “normal” life? What if this is all the love I will ever get?!
The road sign to ‘Suicide’ opens up before me, the road is well traveled, it looks well maintained, plus I have always dreamed to drive a roadster!
After showering, I get to work and drive out to see my first client of the day. This client that takes dreams away, like dreams of driving a roadster, down a long curvey country road, on a crisp autumn day, she may have taken that dream away from me forever!
See this client, like all great customers, is a close friend of ours. She shared with me how happy she is with her life right now. A detour sign appears. She and her husband are happier with each other now then they may ever have been. I start to see potholes in the road. She is ecstatic about her vacation with her kids and her man she loves! I see brake lights down the straightaway, just before the road starts to twist, is that an accident?
She looks amazing, as she tells me her story, how she changed her “Normal” life; an invisible weight seems to lift off her with every breath of the audible message she shares with me. I think I heard a knock in the engine, yeah there it is again, definitely a knock! She informs me that she has let go of her adult sister, she has accepted that her sister, is crazy. I see an oil leak, I think that roadster is leaking oil. She is going to take care of herself now, and stop enabling her sister, and find a new “normal”. Is that a donut on the rear passenger side? She feels so much better, and her husband finds her more attractive. Suicide disappears off the list of destinations and mileage sign.
What is normal? a damn important question, one worth finding an answer to. Yet…not yet. That question will go into the pile of other great questions without answers. What is God?The meaning of life? Why do children die? What is normal? and 42!
My client, friend, dream stealer, showed, told, and helped me, see that moving forward always brings more Joy, Happiness, and Love. Thank you, Jenn, for stealing my dream of driving a roadster. You can keep it, it is my intention I never have that dream again.
This is where the clicker in the upper corner started, this represents the number of lives that the ‘M Project’ has positively changed. After I requested my team do this ticker, and explained it’s purpose. I texted a friend who was talking to me about suicide just a few days before. I text him now:
C.W. – You still kicking?
Friend – Yeah, just depressed a little bit, I’m over myself
C.W. – I get it, thought about suicide myself today.
Friend – I think everyone does
C.W. – No, Not everyone does. This I know for sure, I bet most don’t.
Friend – Only makes the ones alive suffer. Sorry if I worried you just had to put it in a way I wasn’t willing to accept.
C.W. – Ohh I wasn’t worried, was actually checking if you were there or not. Jealousy really, you are no longer in pain.
Friend – Processing it took me a couple of days but I am sure I may feel that way again I just need to turn my pain into inspiration.
C.W. – For life is the pain, and I know pain better than most. And stopping pain would be welcome. We don’t live for the pain, we live for pleasure, happiness, love. And all of the pain of life seems worth having in those moments of bliss…for those moments the pain stops.
No scratch that, reverse it, and turn up the amplifier, now hit play again.
It is like all the pain you have ever had or gone through, turns into the greatest pleasure and everything is worth this moment,
And the more pain you gain by learning(getting pregnant), the closer you are to receiving more joy?!(becoming a grandfather).
Yet as you learn and mature, your pain grows. When I could not stop my dad from hurting people and no one could/would help me before he did…
My pain grew.
No Brother…Not everyone thinks about suicide and most don’t.
And that truth brings even more pain, the only ones that think of suicide, are the only ones that have known true happiness brother.
So no I would not be sad, I would know that you died happy.
I love you any way you are Brother, any way you are.
If anyone is looking for a bad deal, on a poorly maintained roadster, I have a client that has one for sale.